Day 3: Boredom

I'm bored. It's not even a mild boredom, it's an intense text all your friends in your phone desperate for conversation kind of boredom. Today was pretty much the ultimate homage to being bored as I filled it with the most worthless activities. Description follows.

Anti-boredom activity number 1: List everything Oklahoma has that St. Louis doesn't have.

This really turned into a shit storm. I don't recommend it. Oklahoma really doesn't have anything that St. Louis doesn't have except for an excess of cowboy hat manufacturers and an intelligently created roadway system (it's a huge grid, I already know my way around). However one thing OKC has that STL severely lacks is APPLE SODA! I'm a nut for apple soda and you can't get it anywhere north of probably Oklahoma City. I'm a huge nerd and I used to order it in bulk on the internet. Some people buy porn, others purchase rare records, I buy soda on ebay. I had to put aside my apple soda obsession when my Christmas stock ran out (yes, I get it as Christmas gifts too) but down here I can just drive to the nearest Walmart and buy a freaking case of it! It is so much cheaper when you don't have to pay shipping.



Activity number 2: Mile run american pie challenge

I started humming the song American Pie by Don McLean, you know the ridiculously long song that old disc jockey's would play when they had to pee. Well I pulled up the song on my computer and discovered I know ALL the words. Thats exactly 8 minutes and 25 seconds of dialogue. That's almost 9 minutes of worthless knowledge. Anyway I decided to make it fun, mapped out how far I would need to run from my current residence to make a mile, and plugged in the ipod. I haven't really tried to run in a while...usually it's just a 1.8 mile jog around the park and I call it a day (no timing and usually a break in there to pet a puppy). I set out to finish my mile before Don McLean finished his song, I finished at the second to last refrain on the word died...then I contemplated the action. Its 90 freaking degrees here in May, that's wrong. So now I know I can run a mile faster than American Pie, an unimpressive feat and probably a massive waste of time

Activity number 3: Me vs the Garage

I decided I would be a pal and clean out the garage. It's filthy and workmen just built some shelves for extra storage. However after inhaling two spiders and discovering one making its home in my hair I said screw this and most likely made a larger mess than was originally there (that saying you have to make a mess before you can properly clean something is a idea I very much believe in). Oh and I discovered another thing Oklahoma has that St. Louis doesn't...an excess of spiders. They're all jumping spiders, little dudes that don't build webs in rafters but prefer to make nests on the ground. They come in all sizes, I saw one as big as a half dollar but thankfully the one in my hair was fairly small. I'd post a picture but nobody needs to look at that.

Activity number 4: Rankings!

When I get bored I organize. However I don't organize things like documents or my closet...that would make me normal. I like to organize random things like a tub of buttons (by size, color, shape, endless possibilities) or Dolly Parton songs. Dolly won out over the buttons today, honestly Dolly always beats buttons. I ranked Dolly by best songs, best song writing, and then I organized her music by genre shifts. Dolly is a chameleon, every time I engage in this exercise I develop a newfound respect for this woman. Dolly is my gay mans Cher... After the Dolly ranking extravaganza I considered the various pros and cons of taking up an obscure sport. I was waffling between European Handball and curling. Handball won...but good lord when players look like this wouldn't handball always win?
Handball:


The rest of the day was filled with watching my indoor cats stalk leaves in the backyard, attempts to master the perfect backwards somersault, and heckling Ryan Seacrest on American Idol. I'm not proud of myself but I'm totally prepared to repeat the day tomorrow if someone doesn't come up with something productive for me to do. I'm currently watching competitive eating...please help me.

Excuse me son, is your mommy or daddy home?

I've only been in Oklahoma City one day, one 24 hour period, and already things are different. Oklahoma City is a hotbed of conservative crazy. To give you an example the legislature recently passed a law that says doctors have a right to withhold information concerning a mother's unborn child in case the child has a birth defect and the doctors are afraid the mother will consider abortion. So imagine you are pregnant, imagine your baby has down syndrome, imagine your doctor knowing this months in advance and not telling you. That is Oklahoma. I'm going to love it here.

In Saint Louis I fit in rather well...and I like it that way. I usually look a little young for my age but people generally put me in the 20 something range (an occasional 18) and I'm almost always called a girl (old people don't count). On my first full day in Oklahoma City my mother signed me up to fold clothing at the local tornado relief shelter (my job doesn't start for another week). I drove out to a warehouse and organized clothing for just an hour or so, people were volunteering in short shifts. In the 60 minutes I folded clothing I filled two large boxes with XL and XXL clothing and half a small box with medium/small sized clothes. Wow...either really large people are the only ones that donate or Oklahoma City has an obesity problem. The latter is unfortunately true. That however is my public health side coming out and has nothing to do with the story. What I'm getting at is I stick out here. While folding clothes I started talking to one of the daughters of another volunteer. She was a fourth grader, rangy hair, and super social. Reminded me of who I wasn't as a kid. She proceeded to fill me in on everything Oklahoma, mainly football. She also ripped into me for not knowing much about the Oklahoma State Cowboys and Pistol Pete...apparently a much loved mascot in these parts. As I was finishing up and about to leave with my mother she called out to us "Maam, what's the name of your son?" Yes, this kid had a whole conversation with me and thought I was a boy. I'm trying to walk a fine line here. My goal is to look androgynous, to be the in-between. I don't want the labels that come with women and I sure as hell don't want the ones that come with men. But for some reason my Devon Sawa meets Ellen Degenerous style with a Dana Fairbanks mindset isn't getting me where I need it to go.



Case in point, after the volunteering I went to bootcamp with my mother at the local ymca. Apparently having good abs does not translate into anything this bootcamp does. My god wall sits! This is a satanic exercise. Who needs to pretend to sit in a chair for 4 minutes at a time, I sure don't. We also ran up a bridge with medicine balls, did pushups in the street, and attempted to do leg lifts with the ball between our ankles (this just propelled me into the air...not sure if it was the point). Then this morning the doorbell rang. I answered and was met with a young man probably only 3 years older than myself. He glanced at me and asked "is your mommy or daddy at home?" My mommy or daddy? I just stood there and waited for him to look up. He did, did a up/down and responded oh... He then said "well, do you own the house?" I responded "no, and my mommy and daddy aren't here...sorry." Then I shut the door. I'm putting out the wrong message here. In Oklahoma people notice me and I don't like it. I went to the local mall today to get my data transferred from my pc to my new mac (I may be savvy but I can't do that) and folks wouldn't leave me be. I have yet to see one gal that looks like me...I stand out.

A Fitting Beginning

Hello, this is the first post of my new summer blog. My friend Grace (shout out Grace) suggested I chronicle my summer experiences in Oklahoma City and honestly I pretty much do whatever she says.

I am a native Midwesterner from St. Louis, recent college graduate, and just finished my first year of graduate work in public health. Through numerous tennis related road trips as a youngster and a brief two year stay in Arkansas I've become quite familiar with the Midwest (Missouri, Arkansas, Illinois, Nebraska, Iowa, Kansas, and Oklahoma). However as one grows and, for lack of a better word, evolves I've abandoned my rose colored glasses and begun viewing my home a little differently while also embracing what makes it unique. This summer I'm going to put on my anthropology hat, lace up my cowboy boots, and start really EXPERIENCING the Midwest.

Day 1: The Drive

I started my road trip to Oklahoma City around 9am, no big deal. I packed the day before, just a few essentials like clothes, shoes, tennis rackets, and baseball caps. My mother recently relocated to Oklahoma City so I have a free place to stay for the 6 weeks I'm here working. My car looked something like this: front seat empty, back seat full of two duffels, two garbage bags, and 20 articles of clothing on hangers. Everything was covered with a large green polar tech blanket. Oh yeah...the trunk had two cats in it. Yes, I brought my cats down with me. Now my mother made the move in September with two cats and she experienced no issues; the cats behaved appropriately and she made it to OKC with two animals in fairly good shape. She didn't place the cats in a carrier because she felt the carrier would just "stress out" the animals. Therefore when I loaded up my cats in the trunk (its an open trunk so they have access to the back steat and the rest of the car, I didn't lock my cats in a hot trunk...I'm not that person) I gave them a shoe box full of litter and a bowl of water for the ride. I figured they would scream for 30 minutes and then fall asleep.

Holy crap, everything that could have gone wrong did. The two cats were out of the safe and clutter free trunk within 25 minutes. Cat one settled on the polar tech in the back seat and seemed to fall asleep; cat two felt she belonged in my lap, by my feet, on the dashboard, and for a brief moment she tried to burrow under my shirt. Again, I can handle this. 45 minutes into the 7 hour car ride cat 1 poops on the back seat. Shit...literally. I opened the sun roof to get rid of the smell and both cats went freaking ballistic. They started panting and trying to both sit in my lap...all the while my little car is swerving all over the road and I'm trying not to gag from the rancid smell. Finally I see a rest stop and pull over. The slowing of the car seems to calm the cats and they again settle in the backseat on the blanket. I had some old Arby's napkins in my glove compartment and a jug of water my mom made me bring "in case of emergencies". I cleaned up the poop as best I could, watered the blanket down, and got back on the road.

For those who have never driven through the Midwest there isn't much to see. It's mostly fields of corn or soy beans and for a 30 minute stretch in southern Missouri there are a ton of porn shops and strip clubs (farmers get lonely too I guess). I usually amuse myself by either singing show tunes at the top of my lungs (which strangely seemed to comfort the cats) or by counting the number of times I see advertisements for Meremec Caverns or Branson. Meremec Caverns has the best low budget advertising ever.


Ok so I'm through southern Missouri. Cat one has settled herself on the passenger side where the feet go and cat two is laying on the passenger seat. Suddenly cat 2 sits up, looks at me, and pukes all over the seat. Yes, I've already cleaned up crap and now I've got puke everywhere. Cat puke smells worse than cat crap if you want to know...all I can say is thank God for leather seats. I pull off at a gas station and immediately open the door and gasp for air (I couldn't open windows for fear the cats would flip out again, run through the puke, and track it everywhere). I doused my seat in water and grabbed those gas station paper towel things you can use for your windshield and start trying to wipe up all the puke. This time cat 2 seems to think we've arrived and is trying to escape the vehicle. All of this is made a million times harder with the portly gentleman in overalls behind me yelling "Dem cats you got in yar car der?". Yes, Midwestern gem number 1: the language is different. While in Arkansas you normally read road signs that look like this:


So I cleaned the front seat, escaped the "nice" man, and told the cats "next one to crap or spew in my car goes out the window". They got the point. My final adventure from the ride down was turnpikes. Did you know the two turnpikes in Oklahoma cost $4? That is ridiculous! I found this out the night before I left and since ATM's don't give you singles and nobody was able to tell me if these were manned turnpikes or if I had to have exact change, I dug out my old quarter jar and started counting. I've been saving change for YEARS now and apparently I have $33 worth or quarters. So I threw all the change in a baggie and set out. Yep, you guessed it, I paid for each turnpike in change (and yes they are manned and yes they do look at you funny when you hand them 16 quarters). I also had to dig out these quarters from a now puke soaked baggie and try and count out 16 while driving. There are several ways I could have planned better.

I arrived to Oklahoma City in 7 hours exactly, with two very pissy but very much alive cats, and one Volkswagen Beetle that no longer smelled like crayons. Day two adventures to come soon.