I was away for 5 days last week in El Paso, Texas. El Paso is a small dirty town on the US/Mexico border that I have fallen in love with...it may have something to do with the mountains and the food. So many fun things happened down in El Paso, where to begin?
Pervert 3:00
My mother and I flew down to El Paso together meeting my sister, aunt, and uncle at the El Paso airport from their respective flights. There is an unwritten rule that exists between my mother and I...or at least between her and the rest of the world: I don't do babies and I get the window seat. My mother is the person that sits down only to leap to her feet and move when another mother sits down with a fussy child, and she doesn't hesitate to throw the offending mother a dirty look. I'm amazed I survived childhood without being muzzled. On empty flights this results in my mother taking the window seat and myself enjoying the aisle. This flight however to Phoenix (totally random layover) was completely full and I soon found myself staring at a fairly normal man trying to sit in the middle seat. Oh yeah...my mom doesn't sit next to strangers if I'm around. Basically that means if someone should come for the middle seat it is my job to scoot over, take the worst seat ever, and sit next to the stranger thus protecting my mother from babies and random chatty people (and yall wonder why I am the way I am).
So the guy sits down. He has a baseball cap pulled down low and and wraparound sunglasses on (inside the airplane). Honestly that should have tipped me off. However I was totally oblivious to his strangeness and just pretended he wasn't there. He pulled out a sports magazine, I gave him the "ok, I can do this" look and settled into my seat for the 2 hour ride. About an hour in the guy gets up and walks up the aisle to chat with a girl (I can only assume it's his girlfriend). He returns however with a magazine in a wrapper. I've never seen magazines that come in wrappers except National Geographic. No it wasn't National Geographic, it was Maxim. The guy is "reading" Maxim's top 100 women issue right next to me. Now I'm not saying he was reading the articles (that's why men buy smut right...for the great writing). Every now and then Mr. Perv would pick a page and hold it super close to his face, I guess he was trying to smell the fake tanner? It got worse though...he had to pull down the seat tray to hide his lap. A guy was flipping getting excited two inches from me...I mean I haven't been that close to a man in years! Honestly though I think the creapers are drawn to me. My sophomore year of college on a flight down to Arkansas a guy sat next to me and we started talking about law enforcement, he was in the National Guard/former cop and I was reading a crime book. It wasn't long before he leaned in real close so I could smell how the alcohol on his breath and asked me: "you know the number one accidental death?" He then proceeded to explain auto-erotic self-asphyxiation, you know when a guy chokes himself so more blood will flow to his dick while he's jacking off. Yeah, lovely conversation. Why do they always find me? My mom meanwhile is super happy in her window seat while I'm borderline being harassed by the guy with the stiffer next to me...thanks.
On the way from Phoenix to El Paso I sat next to a guy in a three piece suit playing a playstation portable. Does no one read the paper anymore?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment